"My days of goodness spent..."

I miss my harp! I miss the way it makes me feel when I'm all alone and listening only to what comes from my mind and my heart. It soothes me when I'm sad and when it makes me sleepy I just lean back in my chair and rest my head on the soundboard. I always liked the smell of it too...it's got a very rich woody smell about it. :) I just feel so busy this year. No time for me, no time for dance (dance from my heart, not classes or lessons), no time for my beautiful harp, no time for cuddling (my favorite past-time), no time for friends (though this has been getting better)and no time for me to go sit under my most favorite and secluded tree on campus where I just sit and listen with my eyes closed and enjoy an occasional shiver...everything is so beautiful when I stop to listen and appreciate it. Oh, I need to cuddle under a tree so badly...*lonely tear*. Sorry to be so down today...just thinking and reflecting. You know what else I miss? I miss the relationship I had with God when I was little. It was like I had absolutely NO DOUBT in the world that he was ever present and every loving. He was my best friend and I felt as though I could reach out and touch him. I don't feel that anymore. I try and try but I just cannot get back to that spot in my life (maybe it was my heart...I don't know). It hurts to think about it. Still, I will strive to create a new and perhaps better relationship with him. I feel like I need more RITUAL than what the Church of Christ is giving me. When I attended Immaculate Conception, I felt very connected through the rituals and the unity of the church, I also felt a little of this when I went to St. Paul Lutheran school...though this was when I was little and still close to God. I don't know...I love my church, but at the same time, I don't know if it's giving me what I need.
On a happier note...it's finally gotten chilly and "fall-like" down here in ARKANSAS. I love it. I miss Michigan so much, the apple orchards, pumpkin patches, apple cider, hay rides, squash....everything. I miss my friends (I love you Bina! Amber! Beth!etc...), I miss my teachers, my old home (the one that I grew up in!). My brothers may have grown up elsewhere, but Michigan was MY home and it probably always will be. I spent every school year up there. I miss it so much. Michigan is so beautiful and rich in color... :(. Although, now that I live in Arkansas, I feel pretty at home. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be after all. We'll see. I just have to trust in God. Never thought I would see myself in Batesville Arkansas!
Know what else I miss? I miss my "hippie phase." Y'all know what I'm talking about. My long flowing skirts, my peppermint plants (that eventually took over the entire garden), the days that I spent just lying in the grass, sometimes sleeping, sometimes watching the clouds, when I was vegetarian (sometimes I miss that....but in general....BRING ON THE BEEF!). It seemed like I saw beauty in everything then! I want that back! I don't even take time to look around me anymore. :( OK, I've got to stop...I'm about to cry.
My fall feast is just around the corner and that's very exciting indeed! :) I played a wedding last weekend, went very well! I was a nervous wreck of course though. OH YES, please pray for me and my nerves...it's gotten pretty bad (just take a look at my arms, my face,...) :( My depression is doing what it's told either....:( Not very fun. BUT, I'm working on all of that! So sorry for the lengthiness...but it's been QUITE a while. Love you all!

Scottish Kisses,
Brooke